Sad

And I saw you, in a tangle of tubes, glistening with ointments and gels, looking away from all the people "doing things" to you.
Mommy?  Your face cried.  I want her!  That warm, soft, loving place I was just forced out of.

I was going to come out, I swear.  I was just building my strength, and preparing my way.

But then, it was decided for me. 

I was scared!  I still am.  I want my mommy!  What happened?  Was I bad?  Why can't you hold me, and tell me it is all ok?  Is my daddy there?  Where are all my voices, the sounds that comforted me?  I feel so alone, and I want my people.  Don't let them take me away!  Mommy!  Where am I going?

Coyote Medicine

I am reading this AMAZING book called Coyote Medicine (thank you mom). I highly recommend you go and buy a copy today.

However I was laying bed between my two smallest babies, waiting for my daughter to fall asleep and reading rapidly through this astoundingly disturbing yet uplifting book, when I came to a part where the intern is concerned that a doctor wants to induce because the mom is "big".
The intern conveys to the doctor that he in fact thought he felt TWO heads when palpating the mama's belly.
The doctor flatly tells him to stop being stupid.

The doctor also says she won't have the baby till noon, and leaves.
The intern hangs, mom starts pushing, sooner then later, and what do they see? FEET.
So the young doc knows the older doctor is not making it for this one most likely, and just frantically hangs onto the info he has learned about breech birth. Mainly is to NOT DO ANYTHING. So he just keeps calming himself and assists the little guy into the world, giving him time, to work his way out. Does not pull, does not yank, does not panic.
Baby does come, breaths fine and what do they see?? Two more feet!
So it was twins, and by this time the old doctor has arrived and is swearing, and freaking out all over the place.

What does he do? YANKS and PULLS and SWEARS, the intern recounts how the babies neck stretched, and how the cervix clamped down like it should and held the babies head there and how the baby turned purple and blue and was not able to work himself the way he needed to.

They knock mama out, ram forceps up her, clamp baby's head, yank him out and resuscitate him.

However, first one born is perfectly healthy, second one has mental issues as well as permanent immature lungs because of the doctor inducing the mom TOO EARLY because to him, she looked "BIG". No complications. Just "BIG".

The other doctors under their breath said why do we "save" them so they can suffer the rest of their life.

The Intern is disgusted.

Upon reading this part of the book I promptly burst into loud insane tears.

I feel for the mom, those babies, the surrounding people who had to witness this act.

The emotion following the tears? ANGER. Intense anger in how we fuck things up, and basically make things worse.

This book on how this man becomes a different kind of healer is pointing me down the path I want to take, I can see it more clearly now. Even through the tears.

Cornmeal for the garden!

 So in my many moves, I misplaced a jar full of organic cornmeal.  I just now found it, old, and bug filled. 

Mmmm.

If you know me, you know that I HATE to waste ANYTHING.

I googled using cornmeal in gardening, as I have started a veggie garden on my balcony.

With great excitement I see that it is in fact used in gardening! 

So for those of you just starting the gardening adventure, a tip for you!

Say yes to cornmeal & dirt!

Cornmeal- It is a source of nitrogen and trace minerals for your garden!

Chunky Granola, the only way I will eat it.

 Chunky Homemade Granola

6 cups old-fashioned oats
1 1/2 cups sunflower seeds
1 1/2 cups slivered almonds (i did not use, still was good)
1 cup spelt flour, or flour of choice
3/4 cup packed brown sugar (i used xylitol)
1 teaspoon salt (i used more like 3-4 tsp)
3/4 cup vegetable oil (i used coconut)
1/2 cup honey (i had some raw agave, but no honey so i used agave)
1/2 cup water
1 bag (7 oz) dried mixed fruit, chopped ( i used some flaked coconut and small diced apple)

1 Heat oven to 300°F. In very large bowl, mix oats, sunflower nuts, almonds, flour, fruit, brown sugar and salt. In small bowl, beat oil, honey and water with wire whisk until well blended. Add liquid ingredients to dry ingredients, stirring until dry ingredients are moistened.
 2 Spread on 2 ungreased large cookie sheets with sides. Place both cookie sheets in oven on 2 separate oven racks, one below the other.
 3 Bake 20 minutes, stirring after 10 minutes. Reverse position of cookie sheets in oven; bake 10 to 20 minutes longer, stirring every 10 minutes, until golden brown. Cool completely on cookie sheets, about 30 minutes.
 4 Stir mixture to break apart. Store in tightly covered container.

It ended up taking twice as long as the directions said, to get baked.  I also ended up adding a bit more oil.

This recipe is VERY tasty.  I will be making more!!  Maybe with some different nuts/fruit and maybe some dark chocolate.

still raw, just not all all the time.

 So I kinda dropped off the blogging face of the earth there for a bit.

I did manage to continue on my raw journey for all the way to the present day, I just have switched it up a bit.  Right now it looks like 50%-75% and not 100%.

We are really into juicing right now, as my eldest is now a keen juicing machine.
The first thing out of his mouth when we get to work is, "can I make anyone a juice?  No?  Can I make myself a really really big one?".

He has been known to wander around the produce area saying things like "mmm, zucchini, rainbow chard, with apples is my favorite juice!!".
Goddess.  I love my kids.
Needless to say, we drink a LOT of juiced veggies right now.

a post in which i swear, a lot.

 what the fuck is up with a fucking breast pump coming with FUCKING FORMULA.

really?!!  REALLY??!!!

like our stupid messed the fuck up culture already does not hurl enough obstacles in a new nursing mamas path????

they put formula in WITH the pump?!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is like saying "here, spend a shit load of money of this, but by the way, we by no means believe you can ever produce enough food for your baby so here is some messed up junk food that will fuck up their immune system and gut health".

really.

you ever get so mad about something that you actually leak tears when in fact you are just mad?

ok, so maybe i am sad too.  cause people.  PEOPLE.  this is fucked up shit.  FUCKED UP!!!!!

there is too much questioning. 

pop your damn boob in your baby's mouth. 

great. 

now do on demand. 

hold your baby.  wear your baby.  be naked with your baby.

do not put baby on a schedule.  do not!!!! 

are you in pain?  have questions?  ask your local LLL group, or a mamas group or go on line and read and watch video.  there is SO much out there to help!

but it starts in the hospital.  the doubting. 

did your milk come in (this uttered to bewildered new mom on the first and second day) UH..fuck OFF doctors and nurses who say this!!!!!!!!!!!  go get some education!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   third and fourth day ask that damn question!!!!  stop putting fear into new mamas that their bodies are not working right!!!!!!!  we have enough fear as it is!!!

FUCK.

 yes.  there will be more on this.  oh there will. 

maybe i really should call every fucking single pedi and doc who gives out BAD fucking advise and freaking out over the phone.  would it help?  no.  would they remember that someone out there really thinks they are stupid.  maybe.  would i feel better?  a little.

Fucking USA bullshit.  Guess they want us fat and sick.  Starts with how we are fed as infants. 

Days 11, 12 & 13 of Raw..um..Hell

 So day 11 passed in a blur...I can't remember it to be honest.

Day 12 I drank 48 ounces of green smoothie...stretched out over the day.  Had a few bites of this and that, but was crazy busy at work all day plus holding my little shoulder monkey Aashi.  Just does not leave a lot of time to think of food.

About 3pm I started feeling really groggy, like my head was in a fog, and super tired.  About a hour later, I took everyone home and once there I started having chills, and body aches.

I guessed that I was starting to detox.  I managed to get dinner on the table for the kids, set them down in front of it and told Eddie that I had to lay down with the baby.

Before long I was curled up on the bed rocking back and forth, with full blown flu like hard core chills, body aches, headache...and then BAM.  My tummy started burning, like when I am having a gallbladder flare up.

I managed to hang like that for over an hour before I at lasted called mom for backup.

By this point Tamra was crying because she was worried about me, and Eddie has made me my Peppermint Water, and brought me a bowl in case I needed to puke.

Mom arrived about an hour later, and helped everyone brush teeth and get into bed. 

All night long I was shivering and shaky, dizzy if I tried to get up.  Aashi needed Grandma to rock him but then settled down for a good night of cuddling mommy and nursing nursing nursing!!

This morning I am still achy and have a headache, but the other symptoms have decreased.

So today, day 13, I have researched detoxing while on raw food and have come to find out that what I am going through is very normal.  Yay me. 

Just holding on the fact that this is a good thing for me to be doing.  That my body will feel clean and "run" so much better once I make it through the ick.

Having my first food of the day-green smoothie, at 11am.

Wish me luck.