No, he CAN'T have that snack. Damn it.

 Greatly disturbed yet again by what adults give children for "fuel" and "treats".

Soccer Camp is a great example. 

Run around for a hour or so, sweating, learning new skills, working hard, your snack (if your mom does not give you a bag of snack items plus a long lecture daily on what goes into the shit the camp calls a snack) will be gummy apple rings, those little packets of fake cheese with cracker sticks to dip in the fake cheese product, skittles, red vines.

After three or more hours of intense play and learning, they give "awards".

They throw MORE red vines (really, I mean REALLY!?  Red dye 40 and the other mess of chemicals is PURRfect for growing hyper children that just worked out), MORE skittles, and other random bags of fake colored over sweetened shitty "goodness".

It makes me sad.  And angry.

I am tired of being the crazy parent who is always lurking around the snacks, giving the head shake to my kids.

On a better note, while occasionally he does cheat, Eddie is getting a better grasp of why I don't like him to eat like that.

As far my own mental health goes, having to peel him off the ceiling after a mild dose of artificially colored food product or high fructose corn syrup sweetened treat has me fully on guard at every camp, every awanas, every birthday party offering blue frosted cupcakes, every sports event where parents bring a snack.

I have gotten better at having our healthy treats always around to give him/them when everyone else is getting something fun.

Still, I know, he wants to be normal, like all the other kids.

I just don't want him to be as sick as them.

Brain? Come back, I need you.

I am sad.  I am sad that I am so tired this summer.  Aching bones, almost fall asleep while driving at 4pm, no ability to do anything but take care of children and work, tired.  Sad that I am boring, a lame, don't wanna do anything mama.  Hard to make anything happen, struggling to make any plans for anything, mama.

I knew something was twisted, not working right, when in the middle of a glorious sunny warm day, I wanted to die.  I wanted to no longer exist, I wanted to run far far away, I wanted to bury my head under the pillow and never move again.

Of course I don't, how can I.  I have three little faces looking at me, I have three bellies to fill, three people to hold and love and take care of.  I can't run, I can't die, I have to hold on, and muster through, even when I want to throw my hands up in the air and scream I AM DONE.  I have no MORE to give.  All my strength, all my creativity, all my ME, is GONE. 

There is always a little more to give, something always comes along that keeps me moving forward, or at least holding my ground.

Oh the guilt.  We mamas are so good at it.  I can create guilt out of anything.  And it is all for me, all things and reasons why I am not good enough.  How I am messing up.  All the things I should be doing better.

I have a piece of blank paper, on which I am supposed to write my goals, my absolute dream job and dream place.  I am too scared to write anything.  Ya, scared.  I move it around everyday, by my desk, on my bed, by the couch, on the front counter, today, when I get back from work, when I do the shopping, when everyone is in bed, when bathes are over, when I have a glass of wine, when I am less tired, when I have thought about it more....when, when, when?

Oh the power this paper seems to hold over me.  How am I so freaked out to simply think and write what I want the most?

I am tired, is an excuse that works only for a while, not forever.

Tired of being tired. 

Of not having the energy to even have a clear thought. 

Around and around, the whirlpool of my mind.

Pain is inevitable​. Suffering is optional.

 “I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.”
Walter Anderson

Responsibility.  It is hard to not put blame on others, it is tough to actually except that we have played a part or are the shining star in what at some times feels like a giant shit storm.

Oh how we dodge it.  Run from it.  It feels good to shift the blame.  To have someone out of our control to lash out at.

What does that do to us?  What shifts in our whole well being, what changes for the worse, do we bring upon ourselves by not embracing the pain, the blame.  Does what is bright, and good, curl up, day by day, and fade away?  Is what is left after years of denial, of hate, of hunching in over the darkness, just a cold dark shell of a person?  What happens to us when you cuddle in the darkness, when you call it to you and make it your friend?  The darkness is never our friend, dear one.  Even when you are looking up, way up, from the pit you have dug, up into the sky so very far away, do you feel that the darkness is truly your friend?  Is it really easier to make believe that it is, and live in that pit, then to truly come face to face with your fear, your grief?  To own it?  To make a peace of sorts, a truce if you will, to wallow in your sorrow, your anger at the circumstances.  What then, once you have made that your own, and cried out your rage, and told the darkness to fuck off.  What dear one?  Can you cast off that cloak of shivery evil?  Can you part the fog, and move forward with your life? 

"Even if I have to stand alone, I will not be afraid to stand alone.  I'm going to fight for you. I'm going to fight for what's right. I'm going to  fight to hold people accountable."
Barbara Boxer

I will not except that blame, your dark cloak.  I will not take your guilt and make it my own.  I have moved out of the stagnant place that you reside, and my home is joy filled, and rings with laughter, and shines with love.

"We don’t see things the way they are. We see them the way WE are" - Talmud

My reality will not be one of guilt or fear.  I do not take that to be my existence.  My existence is not linked with those who only dwell to spread the darkness.  I acknowledge you, and what you have been through.  I move past and on, to where I see the light.

Pain is inevitable​. Suffering is optional.

“I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.”
Walter Anderson

Responsibility. It is hard to not put blame on others, it is tough to actually except that we have played a part or are the shining star in what at some times feels like a giant shit storm.

Oh how we dodge it. Run from it. It feels good to shift the blame. To have someone out of our control to lash out at.

What does that do to us? What shifts in our whole well being, what changes for the worse, do we bring upon ourselves by not embracing the pain, the blame. Does what is bright, and good, curl up, day by day, and fade away? Is what is left after years of denial, of hate, of hunching in over the darkness, just a cold dark shell of a person? What happens to us when you cuddle in the darkness, when you call it to you and make it your friend? The darkness is never our friend, dear one. Even when you are looking up, way up, from the pit you have dug, up into the sky so very far away, do you feel that the darkness is truly your friend? Is it really easier to make believe that it is, and live in that pit, then to truly come face to face with your fear, your grief? To own it? To make a peace of sorts, a truce if you will, to wallow in your sorrow, your anger at the circumstances. What then, once you have made that your own, and cried out your rage, and told the darkness to fuck off. What dear one? Can you cast off that cloak of shivery evil? Can you part the fog, and move forward with your life?

"Even if I have to stand alone, I will not be afraid to stand alone. I'm going to fight for you. I'm going to fight for what's right. I'm going to fight to hold people accountable."
Barbara Boxer

I will not except that blame, your dark cloak. I will not take your guilt and make it my own. I have moved out of the stagnant place that you reside, and my home is joy filled, and rings with laughter, and shines with love.

"We don’t see things the way they are. We see them the way WE are" - Talmud

My reality will not be one of guilt or fear. I do not take that to be my existence. My existence is not linked with those who only dwell to spread the darkness. I acknowledge you, and what you have been through. I move past and on, to where I see the light.

Painful

 I hate pain. I hate my pain. I hate my children's pain more.

That said, I have this crazy swollen vein in (on?) my leg that is at last causing me MUCH pain. This shows me that I do in fact have to slow the f-word down. I can't in "wear" the baby and stand up nonstop for 12 hours a day, with out causing something bad to happen to my body. My body has created a way to force myself to stop my current pattern and come up with a new game plan.

Yay me.

So after some major self pity, I have taken a few doses of my vein tonic, some herbal anti-inflammatory, extra fish oil and did some yoga, I can tell you that at least the pain is a bit better. Less swollen too.

Now on to the fun part of reconstructing my days to make life a little less heavy on the ol' feet, erm...and legs.

Guess I better finish losing all the baby weight. For real, no joking around now Melissa. (Ya, this post is also performing as a written reminder to myself to keep getting my shit together.)

But while dealing with that, I realize that my Tam has a slight fever, flushed pink cheeks, glossy glazed eyes, it all makes mama's heart sad!

Poor doll, our constant on the go days, and tons of time around other kids plus in and out of the rain everyday has drained her little immune system.

Right into bed, after a hit of children's health tonic, she is fast asleep, boosting her body's ability to fight fight FIGHT.

Praying for a peace filled night.

Baffled

 So, what is up with dudes who can't be a part of their child's life?  When they are offered the option of being there, but not in a romantic relationship with the mom, they walk away.  Like "just" being there for the baby, and then child, is not good enough.

Wake up assholes.  You are missing out on so many milestones, so many interesting and crazy events that you can NEVER get back.

Also, you get to deal with the resentment and anger if you ever do decide to re-enter their lives at some future possibly less selfish date.

How do they justify it?  How do their parents not harass them into making contact?  How can the parents not make contact?

After many challenging days, after many different talks with different mamas, I am left baffled by the sheer amount of asshole "dads".

Sad

And I saw you, in a tangle of tubes, glistening with ointments and gels, looking away from all the people "doing things" to you.
Mommy?  Your face cried.  I want her!  That warm, soft, loving place I was just forced out of.

I was going to come out, I swear.  I was just building my strength, and preparing my way.

But then, it was decided for me. 

I was scared!  I still am.  I want my mommy!  What happened?  Was I bad?  Why can't you hold me, and tell me it is all ok?  Is my daddy there?  Where are all my voices, the sounds that comforted me?  I feel so alone, and I want my people.  Don't let them take me away!  Mommy!  Where am I going?

Coyote Medicine

I am reading this AMAZING book called Coyote Medicine (thank you mom). I highly recommend you go and buy a copy today.

However I was laying bed between my two smallest babies, waiting for my daughter to fall asleep and reading rapidly through this astoundingly disturbing yet uplifting book, when I came to a part where the intern is concerned that a doctor wants to induce because the mom is "big".
The intern conveys to the doctor that he in fact thought he felt TWO heads when palpating the mama's belly.
The doctor flatly tells him to stop being stupid.

The doctor also says she won't have the baby till noon, and leaves.
The intern hangs, mom starts pushing, sooner then later, and what do they see? FEET.
So the young doc knows the older doctor is not making it for this one most likely, and just frantically hangs onto the info he has learned about breech birth. Mainly is to NOT DO ANYTHING. So he just keeps calming himself and assists the little guy into the world, giving him time, to work his way out. Does not pull, does not yank, does not panic.
Baby does come, breaths fine and what do they see?? Two more feet!
So it was twins, and by this time the old doctor has arrived and is swearing, and freaking out all over the place.

What does he do? YANKS and PULLS and SWEARS, the intern recounts how the babies neck stretched, and how the cervix clamped down like it should and held the babies head there and how the baby turned purple and blue and was not able to work himself the way he needed to.

They knock mama out, ram forceps up her, clamp baby's head, yank him out and resuscitate him.

However, first one born is perfectly healthy, second one has mental issues as well as permanent immature lungs because of the doctor inducing the mom TOO EARLY because to him, she looked "BIG". No complications. Just "BIG".

The other doctors under their breath said why do we "save" them so they can suffer the rest of their life.

The Intern is disgusted.

Upon reading this part of the book I promptly burst into loud insane tears.

I feel for the mom, those babies, the surrounding people who had to witness this act.

The emotion following the tears? ANGER. Intense anger in how we fuck things up, and basically make things worse.

This book on how this man becomes a different kind of healer is pointing me down the path I want to take, I can see it more clearly now. Even through the tears.

Cornmeal for the garden!

 So in my many moves, I misplaced a jar full of organic cornmeal.  I just now found it, old, and bug filled. 

Mmmm.

If you know me, you know that I HATE to waste ANYTHING.

I googled using cornmeal in gardening, as I have started a veggie garden on my balcony.

With great excitement I see that it is in fact used in gardening! 

So for those of you just starting the gardening adventure, a tip for you!

Say yes to cornmeal & dirt!

Cornmeal- It is a source of nitrogen and trace minerals for your garden!

Chunky Granola, the only way I will eat it.

 Chunky Homemade Granola

6 cups old-fashioned oats
1 1/2 cups sunflower seeds
1 1/2 cups slivered almonds (i did not use, still was good)
1 cup spelt flour, or flour of choice
3/4 cup packed brown sugar (i used xylitol)
1 teaspoon salt (i used more like 3-4 tsp)
3/4 cup vegetable oil (i used coconut)
1/2 cup honey (i had some raw agave, but no honey so i used agave)
1/2 cup water
1 bag (7 oz) dried mixed fruit, chopped ( i used some flaked coconut and small diced apple)

1 Heat oven to 300°F. In very large bowl, mix oats, sunflower nuts, almonds, flour, fruit, brown sugar and salt. In small bowl, beat oil, honey and water with wire whisk until well blended. Add liquid ingredients to dry ingredients, stirring until dry ingredients are moistened.
 2 Spread on 2 ungreased large cookie sheets with sides. Place both cookie sheets in oven on 2 separate oven racks, one below the other.
 3 Bake 20 minutes, stirring after 10 minutes. Reverse position of cookie sheets in oven; bake 10 to 20 minutes longer, stirring every 10 minutes, until golden brown. Cool completely on cookie sheets, about 30 minutes.
 4 Stir mixture to break apart. Store in tightly covered container.

It ended up taking twice as long as the directions said, to get baked.  I also ended up adding a bit more oil.

This recipe is VERY tasty.  I will be making more!!  Maybe with some different nuts/fruit and maybe some dark chocolate.

still raw, just not all all the time.

 So I kinda dropped off the blogging face of the earth there for a bit.

I did manage to continue on my raw journey for all the way to the present day, I just have switched it up a bit.  Right now it looks like 50%-75% and not 100%.

We are really into juicing right now, as my eldest is now a keen juicing machine.
The first thing out of his mouth when we get to work is, "can I make anyone a juice?  No?  Can I make myself a really really big one?".

He has been known to wander around the produce area saying things like "mmm, zucchini, rainbow chard, with apples is my favorite juice!!".
Goddess.  I love my kids.
Needless to say, we drink a LOT of juiced veggies right now.

a post in which i swear, a lot.

 what the fuck is up with a fucking breast pump coming with FUCKING FORMULA.

really?!!  REALLY??!!!

like our stupid messed the fuck up culture already does not hurl enough obstacles in a new nursing mamas path????

they put formula in WITH the pump?!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is like saying "here, spend a shit load of money of this, but by the way, we by no means believe you can ever produce enough food for your baby so here is some messed up junk food that will fuck up their immune system and gut health".

really.

you ever get so mad about something that you actually leak tears when in fact you are just mad?

ok, so maybe i am sad too.  cause people.  PEOPLE.  this is fucked up shit.  FUCKED UP!!!!!

there is too much questioning. 

pop your damn boob in your baby's mouth. 

great. 

now do on demand. 

hold your baby.  wear your baby.  be naked with your baby.

do not put baby on a schedule.  do not!!!! 

are you in pain?  have questions?  ask your local LLL group, or a mamas group or go on line and read and watch video.  there is SO much out there to help!

but it starts in the hospital.  the doubting. 

did your milk come in (this uttered to bewildered new mom on the first and second day) UH..fuck OFF doctors and nurses who say this!!!!!!!!!!!  go get some education!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   third and fourth day ask that damn question!!!!  stop putting fear into new mamas that their bodies are not working right!!!!!!!  we have enough fear as it is!!!

FUCK.

 yes.  there will be more on this.  oh there will. 

maybe i really should call every fucking single pedi and doc who gives out BAD fucking advise and freaking out over the phone.  would it help?  no.  would they remember that someone out there really thinks they are stupid.  maybe.  would i feel better?  a little.

Fucking USA bullshit.  Guess they want us fat and sick.  Starts with how we are fed as infants. 

Days 11, 12 & 13 of Raw..um..Hell

 So day 11 passed in a blur...I can't remember it to be honest.

Day 12 I drank 48 ounces of green smoothie...stretched out over the day.  Had a few bites of this and that, but was crazy busy at work all day plus holding my little shoulder monkey Aashi.  Just does not leave a lot of time to think of food.

About 3pm I started feeling really groggy, like my head was in a fog, and super tired.  About a hour later, I took everyone home and once there I started having chills, and body aches.

I guessed that I was starting to detox.  I managed to get dinner on the table for the kids, set them down in front of it and told Eddie that I had to lay down with the baby.

Before long I was curled up on the bed rocking back and forth, with full blown flu like hard core chills, body aches, headache...and then BAM.  My tummy started burning, like when I am having a gallbladder flare up.

I managed to hang like that for over an hour before I at lasted called mom for backup.

By this point Tamra was crying because she was worried about me, and Eddie has made me my Peppermint Water, and brought me a bowl in case I needed to puke.

Mom arrived about an hour later, and helped everyone brush teeth and get into bed. 

All night long I was shivering and shaky, dizzy if I tried to get up.  Aashi needed Grandma to rock him but then settled down for a good night of cuddling mommy and nursing nursing nursing!!

This morning I am still achy and have a headache, but the other symptoms have decreased.

So today, day 13, I have researched detoxing while on raw food and have come to find out that what I am going through is very normal.  Yay me. 

Just holding on the fact that this is a good thing for me to be doing.  That my body will feel clean and "run" so much better once I make it through the ick.

Having my first food of the day-green smoothie, at 11am.

Wish me luck.

Day 10 Of Raw

 Oh day ten, what to say about you?

Lots of smoothies, handfuls of cashews, some kombucha...a raw spirulina bar.  Not lots to report.

A crazy busy day at work, children...cleaning the house.

I think I am just tired, right now, maybe when everyone is asleep I will have more to say.

Oh how I need the fussy whining to stop!

I know I bought a bottle of wine, I should go find it.

And then, I became crazy

 I HATE how some days I am living is this little world in my head.  And in my little world I am freaking out.  Every little thing the kids do is a personal assault on me.  Every dirty area of the house offends me and threatens my day.

When I am in my little world, I forget how to talk nicely, I can't remember to take my mood herbs, I lose sight of how I can tap to work through my emotions.

Instead I am just spiraling out of control.  A tiny part of me is screaming "STOP STOP STOP!!".  The rest of me is just a giant asshole and takes over.

Once things calm down (people are not fighting, dinner is over, baths are done...etc) I slowly regain some sense of balance. 

Sort of.

I also feel like shit, and beat myself up over what a crazy parent I can be.

I don't know what I need.  Well, I know I need to discover, UN-cover what MY needs are so I am not taking out my un-met needs on my family.

And maybe a nanny.

Fuck, this parent shit is hard

Day 9 of Raw Bliss, in which I eat 75% raw..meh...

Today brought me much smoothie bliss.  I love them.  LOVE them.

I had 2 today.  Morning-apple, pear, banana and spinach.

Lunch-cucumber, onion, tomato, kale, green pepper.

I can't BELIEVE how much energy I get with the greens being blended!

Tomorrow is day 10!  I am very excited.

Goodbye to day 8 of my raw bliss

 Ah day 8.  You are over.  I will drink wine in thanks for another day done.

This morning was another green smoothie (apple, pear, lettuce, banana, avocado).  Which is really quite wonderful in how it carries me really far into the day without being SO hungry.  Or maybe I am just to busy to notice being hungry.  Whatever the cause, it is working for me.  That and my cup or two of organic joe.  ;)

Lunch was a sad little raw food bar and water.

Dinner was actually another smoothie...one of my favorites so far!  Spinach, apple, pear, banana-OMG!  So yummy!  And also super filling.

I have a ton of breastmilk.  Aashi is not sure what to do with it all.  Poor guy.  I am wondering if all the greens is helping produce more milkies....

Day 7 Of Sorta Raw Bliss

Damn, I love coffee, I really do.  Ok, now that that is out of the way...

So today brought bright green smoothies this morning for me and the kids.  I blended a cup of water, a large amount of kale, a pear, a apple, a banana, bee pollen and apple cider vinegar.

Very tasty.  And very filling.

Lunch was at work, and it was crazy busy while we were there, so it consisted of slices of raw cheese and lots of fresh oranges.

Dinner for Tamra was a whole wheat bagel with pasture butter and fruit jam, scrambled eggs and grapes.  For Ed and I, it was our "date night" so we also ate a cooked meal today.  Eh.  Sometimes it just not go as planned.  :/ 

It was so worth it though to let Eddie choose a place to eat, and then have some quiet alone time just the 2 of us.

I still have a lot of energy, of which I am so thankful for.

Now I need to add working out a few times a week.

Frick, how am I gonna fit that in?

Bring on the new challenge!  ;)

Now to drink some wine...

Day 6 of Raw (almost) Bliss

So I am a firm believer in eating what your body is telling you it needs. 

No, that does not include Burger King or Fast Food of any kind...  ;)  

I mean lets say you are trying to just be a veggie and not consume meat.  But then you, out of no place, are craving meat.  Like jonesing for it BAD.  Or feeling weak, extra tired, whatever...

Eat the meat!!  Your body is telling you that something is outta whack!  Maybe you need more b vitamins, or lacking in iron, find that depletion or enjoy the meat! 

Hahaaha, that is a lot of saying eat meat.  So not my thing.  :)

Anyhoodle!

Today is day 6 of raw goodness for me.  I took the kids on a long snow walk, it was freezing and I had Aashi on my front in one of my looooong wraps, and I pulled Tamra Rose in the wagon, all while Eddie threw snowballs at us.  Fun.

By the time I got back I was DIZZY.  Still am a little.  See with the crazy 3 kids, breastfeeding up a storm and working at our family store quite a bit, I lose track of meals.  I space them out too far.  I don't eat enough protein.  I don't eat enough period.

Today it caught up with me.  I could not think of what to do, what to eat.  I sat down, cut a chunk of raw cheese, and chewed away.  Sat a little longer.  Had to get up to feed the kids.  Nursed Aashi. 

Still felt icky, shaky and sick. 

I then pulled out the big guns, organic turkey.  I piled a TON of fresh veggies (peppers, onions, spinach, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers) plus some organic pickles and then layered on the organic turkey, all on sprouted grain bread.  I then crammed it in my mouth fairly quickly.  Yes, it is true, I ate like someone might take it away from me.

I felt a little bit better.  Nursed Aashi.  Gave the kids 2nds of their meal.  Rocked Aashi.  Drank some water.  Drank some more water.  Eyed the coffee pot.

Now I am sitting down with the baby, watching the other 2 (still eating, ya, they are HUNGRY)...and I STILL feel shaky.  But better.  For sure I am better.

Let that be a lesson to you, don't skip your raw meals!  Eat those nuts!  Consume avocados!  But mainly, don't space them too far out!  :)

So, yes, one meal today was not raw.

But for a single mom of 3, who is nursing a 2 month old baby...not bad.  Not bad at all.

Bring on the raw.

Day 5 of Raw Bliss (sorta, bliss..)

Hmm, today brought a whole lot of nothing on my raw plate.

Started off the day with my cup of organic coffee, made the kids breakfast, ran around doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen.  Nursed and nursed some more baby Aashi, and got him to take a little napper, so I could take one of my lovely 2 minute showers.

Mmmm..hot water.

Hours passed, realized no food had passed my lips.  Rushed off to work with all the kids, got super busy, still no food.  At last I ate part of Tamra's raw food bar that she was snacking on..

Lots of water.  More coffee.

Back home, I did make a blender soup..Avocado & Tomato with kale, red onion, garlic, red pepper, cilantro, sea salt, fresh squeezed lime juice.
Pretty damn good.

Um, there was a moment of cheating.  Yes.  Yes.  Shame, oh shame.

Tamra has begged all day for french fries.  So loving mama that I am , ;) I cut up organic potatoes, sprinkled them with sea salt and drizzled with coconut oil and baked them.

Tam kindly "forced" one into my mouth.  I then had to eat one, ok, 2 more.

Sigh.  Oh well

On we go!

Raw Bliss Day 4...right? Day 4? ...

Today I had berries with raw coconut flakes.  Crazy green smoothy.  Raw food bar.  Coffee.  More Coffee.  Water...lots of water.  Manna bread with raw coconut oil...oohh how I love manna bread.  Thank you people who found that you can make "bread" with out killing all the goodness.

And lettuce wraps with wine.  Lettuce wraps rock.  Crunchy, lots of different flavors...gotta love it.

I have lots of energy.  Very thankful for that, and I feel great.  Craving a giant burger tho...damn...

Down 4lbs...

Day 3 of Raw Bliss ( I have energy!!)

Ok, this morning was a blur, and before I knew it, it was 11am and all I had to eat was a handful of berries and a cup of coffee.  Oh, and water.  :)

So we ran out the door to work, with mama feeling a bit shaky, and got right down to making a giant green gloopy smoothie.  Today into the blender went giant amounts of fresh spinach, spirulina, bananas, a avocado, coconut oil, strawberries and water...oh and raw protein powder.

It may not be the most amazing flavor ever, but not bad.  And it does the job. 

Also snacked on some cashews, man, raw cashews are freaking awesome!  The taste is out of this world!

Tonight is Raw Stuffed Peppers!  I am super excited!  :)

Oh, and I have lost 3 pounds...  :)

 Dinner Recipe for Stuffed Peppers

• 1 large orange bell pepper
• 1 medium zucchini, chopped into small cubes
• 2 or 3 slices of red onion, chopped into small cubes
• 1 medium tomato, chopped into small cubes
• 1/4 cup of fresh cilantro, chopped
• 1/2 small clove of garlic, minced
• 1/2 teaspoon of cumin
• juice from 1/2 lime
• 1/4 avocado, mashed

Directions:

In a large bowl, mix all of the ingredients except for the pepper. Next, stuff the pepper, grab a fork and enjoy!

This recipe is a perfect addition to a low fat, raw vegan diet. If you’d like to know more about raw foods and how to lose weight, detox, boost energy and dramatically improve your health with quick and tasty meals like this one, then check out our Thriving On Raw Foods program.

Thriving On Raw Foods is a 21-day transition plan to step you up to a 100% or mostly raw food diet. It includes three weeks worth of meal plans, recipes and grocery shopping lists to make it easy. You’ll get a ton of information, recipes and expert advice on how to make fresh fruits and vegetables a foundation to your diet.

Dinner is? Still day 2 of Raw Bliss

Dinner is:

A couple handfuls of raw cashews, a few baby carrots,  one avocado-sprinkled with sea salt and spritzed with fresh lime juice & a raw food bar.

I am deciding if I will add in some raw cheese as a snack later.

Now off to my Non Violent Communication Class & then WINE.

Yes, wine, gets all caps.

It has been a tough day.

;)

Day 2 of My Raw Bliss

This morning has brought me a large veggie juice and a handful of cashews.  Um, and coffee, of course.

Soon will be enjoying my super duper green power packed smoothie for lunch.

Dinner?  I have no idea.  None.  I am sure it will come to me as I work, something in the produce area will call to me.  :)

(I can do it, do it do it!!!)

Raw Dinner-Day 1. I'm calling it Cuke Boats ;)

Dinner was good.  A good mix of crunchy and smooth, tart and salty...mmm.

Also when researching my raw food meal plan I came across this lovely quote:

"Alcohol: If one drinks, s/he should preferentially choose wine over all other alcohols. Most wines have not been heat-processed. Seek out organic/no-sulfite varieties."

Rock on.

See the full gallery on Posterous

Day 1 of my Raw Food Bliss (or so I am hoping!)

 Ok, I am starting my 21 days of Raw Food Goodness.

The only things that will not be raw are my organic cup of coffee and glass of organic wine everyday.  There is only so much I can ask of myself.  ;)

This morning brought a glass of mixed veggie juice and coffee.

This afternoon was a power packed smoothie with tons of greens, avocado, bananas...in a base of water...not bad, but not great.

Tonight will be a cucumber sandwich.  Recipe below. 

Later tonight will be wine.  Oh yes.

Cucumber Sandwich

Serves 2

Ingredients

1 cucumber
1 avocado (small cubes)
1 tomato small cubes)
Squeeze of lime
salt & (cayenne)pepper
few cilantro leafs

Directions

1.     Peel the cucumber (optional)

2.     Cut cucumber lengthwise and horizontally. You now have 4 long "boats".

3.     With a spoon, scoop out the inner (soft) part of the cucumber.

4.     Put all other ingredients in a bowl. Mix gently.

5.     Fill the inner part of the cucumber with the avocado mixture.

6.     Eat as "boats" or put the other (empty) half of the cucumber on top of the filled one. (You have now a "whole" cucumber. Wrap with plastic wrap. Perfect for when on the go.

Tip

1.     Try this recipe with tapenade, pesto, nut pate, nut cheese, mellon or other filling!

2.     Great in your lunch box or on the go.

A bit of my 3rd birth story, the love of a sister.

I was standing in the shower this morning.  My only real alone time.  Be it one minute or five, it feels good to just stand there under the hot water and let my mind wander.

Today I flashed to the end of my labor with Aashi, which was in the bathroom.

I started thinking about being in the shower, then the bath, then out of the bath...but not quite ready to leave the bathroom as contraction after contraction hit me hard and quick.

I started to have tears, as I remembered how I clung to my sister, as we rocked back and forth together.  She whispered I love you over and over in my ear and cried while I moaned and screamed down Aashi. 

"Hold on to me, I have you" she said.

And I did.  I held on to her for dear life, she was my lifeline, the reason I could keep going, tired and hurting, and wanting this to be at last.

I worried about hurting her as I labored but she kept telling me she was fine.  So we danced together, the wonderful dance of birth.  Even while we cried together, she made me feel like I could go on and do this.  She made me feel strong, with her strength, holding me up, in the same bathroom that she birthed two of her children in.

We did at last make it back to the bedroom, and I did rock, moan and push my Aashi out, on hands and knees on the bed.

But what I remember so clearly is my sister, helping me dance my baby out.

I love you little sister.

My strong women

Women are wonderful.

I kind of want to write that a few more times.

Women are wonderful.  Women are WONDERFUL.  WOMEN are WONDERFUL.

There are times in my life, that really bring me to appreciate things.  Right now, I am thankful for all the strong and amazing ladies that have been brought to me.

Their presence helps me to have less self pity, less indulgence in feeling bad about my life choices.

It is healing to be able to laugh, to vent, to rage, to cry, to laugh some more....

To tell tales of family injustices.  To hug one another.  To be able to laugh hysterically at moments of silliness.

Thank you my strong mama friends!  Thank you for listening, for feeling for me.  Thank you for being there in the middle of the night.  Thank you for being there all day.  Thank you for not judging.  Thank you for blessing me with your friendship.